The Princess Emergency Response Team - Snow White

‘Right, ladies,’ Fairy Godmother said, ‘we’ve got another rescue mission. Who’s game?’

‘I’m going on a date with Wolf,’ Little Red Riding Hood said, pouting. ‘I’m not going to stand him up – you know he’s got a temper,’ she winked at Snow White.

‘Err…’ Snow White started to say.

‘I’ve got too much cleaning to do to deal with a whining wimp,’ Cinderella objected. ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll take my leave.’ And off she went, out of the castle door without once looking back.

‘I’m heading in the same direction,’ Red said in her hoarse voice, pointing after Cinderella. ‘Lovely to see you.’ She bobbed – that skirt was very short, Snow White contemplated - and left.

Fairy Godmother looked up from the letter she was holding and blinked sternly at Snow White over the top of her glasses. ‘Wonderful that you volunteered, darling. Now – Prince Charming was trying to get to Briar Rose but got entangled in the brambles, as one would expect. Please help him out and I’ll pop round some time to erase his memory – you know what men’s hurt ego’s are like.’ She flashed Snow White an insincere smile that signalled that their conversation was over.

‘Actually,’ Snow White ventured to say, ‘this is my first time…’

‘Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something. Off you go!’ Fairy Godmother waved her away.

Dejectedly, Snow White set out for Briar Rose’s castle. Briar had never invited her to a sleepover, Snow White mused. Nor for dinner or even a birthday party. She would no doubt just be lounging around in her room while Prince Charming was howling outside. Why couldn’t she get up off her fat arse and sort him out?

‘Hello gorgeous,’ Wolf said as he stepped out from behind a tree. ‘If you weren’t looking so down, I’d eat you right now.’ He licked his lips in a meaningful manner.

Yuk, Snow White thought to herself, I don’t know what she sees in him. But to Wolf she said, ‘Red was looking for you just now. She said you two would be going on a date.’

‘Oh!’ Wolf straightened up and unconsciously started patting down his fur. ‘Is she around?’

Snow White thought he actually looked worried. Red had a reputation for being extremely jealous – some rumoured that she had made her ex-boyfriend, the woodsman, “disappear”.

‘She should be. Have a nice evening.’ Snow White smiled at Wolf, but he was no longer looking at her. Instead, he had pricked up his ears and was scanning the bushes.

Snow White carried on. In the next village, a crowd had gathered around three pigs, who were screaming as though they were being murdered.

‘What’s going on?’ Snow White asked a lady in the crowd.

‘Wolf blew their house down – again. Their insurance is refusing to pay up as the pigs knew full well that it would happen again.’

Snow White considered this. If the pigs received no compensation, they would end up homeless.

‘They should take it to court and accuse the insurance of racism. After all, they haven’t refused to compensate anyone else, have they?’

The woman’s face brightened. ‘Indeed! I will tell them!’ And with that, she disappeared into the crowd.

Feeling a little better already, Snow White carried on, past the bridge and over the hill. Once over the top, Briar Rose’s castle lay in full view. She ran down, screaming with delight as she did so.

She ran up to the castle gates, where she heard the pitiful cries of Prince Charming. She walked along the brambles until she saw him. He hadn’t gotten far, as he was sticking half out of and half in the brambles.

‘Snow! How wonderful to see you,’ Charming exclaimed as she moved into view. He gave her a half-hearted wave with his free, unentangled, hand. ‘Please don’t read anything into this. I was just stopping by for a friendly chat.’ He smiled at her sheepishly.

‘Sure you were.’ Snow White crossed her arms and pouted. Charming’s fidelity was a long-standing issue.

‘I’ll make it up to you, promise. How about a nice diamond coffin instead of your glass one, eh? You know I could talk to the dwarves, make it happen-‘

She placed a finger on his lips. ‘Say no more.’

Charming obligingly shut up and watched her anxiously. Snow White stepped back, cleared her throat, and started to sing. Instantly, the birds nearby joined in. She lured them closer with her song, enticing them to take a look at the brambles – oh look, there was Charming! – and would they mind awfully removing him?

All the birds took a piece of Charming’s battered tunic in their beaks and gently extracted him from the hedge. They lowered him in front of her and Snow White sent the birds back about their business.

‘Gee, thanks, Whitey,’ Charming said as she stopped singing. ‘We should do this more often – that was way more pleasant than being extracted by Cinderalla’s mouse men.’

Snow White placed her hands on her hips and shot him a thunderous glare.