In 10 easy steps everyone can manage
1. Identify the colleague you want to
kill. There may be several candidates for the job. Pick the colleague that
annoys you most and most frequently. That way, you will greatly improve your
blood pressure levels with a minimal amount of effort.
2. Bide your time. At some point, the
two of you will be alone. You may only have the time it takes another colleague
to go for a wee. Therefore, you should plan ahead.
3. Pick your weapon of choice. Don’t
bring anything noisy like a machine gun to work. It attracts attention. Go for
something subtle, like poison, a neck pillow, or just the victim’s own coat.
Make sure the item cannot be linked back to you.
4. Pick the right location. Don’t
smother your colleague in full view of the surveillance cameras.
5. Think about whether you want to get
rid of the body or not. If you use poison, there is no need to hide the body.
You can just scream your head off and pretend you’re trying help the victim.
You can even run out of the room to get the company nurse. No-one will expect
you to be the culprit.
6. If you do want to remove the body
from the crime scene, have your plan ready before you commit the crime. I know,
if you’re a man, you’re screwed, because you lot only read instructions one by
one. ALWAYS READ THE FULL INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE COMITTING A MURDER. Don’t stuff
the body in the nearest filing cabinet where it will be discovered as soon as
another colleague needs a new pen or where the smell will give it away,
whichever occurs first. Places of choice are the elevator, the emergency
stairs, a busy thoroughfare, the van in the basement everyone knows is used for
you-know-what, or the showers. As noted in point 4, don’t drag your colleague
through the corridors in full view of the cameras.
7. Check the scene of the crime. Wipe
away any traces of blood/saliva/bodily fluids I don’t want to know about. Don’t
put that unicorn neck pillow in your locker if it wasn’t yours, even if it is
crazy cute. Remove any personal items you may have left on your colleague’s
desk. This does not include the poisoned coffee, as the police will certainly
rule out suicide if they can’t easily find the poison. If you work near a train
station or petrol station, you can dispose of the murder weapon there. Under no
circumstances should you take the murder weapon home!
8. Have your story ready. Even if it is
to say ‘Ohm, I don’t know where Mark went off to…’ Don’t start to stammer or
appear agitated. Make eye-contact and live your lie. You do not know what
happened and therefore you shouldn’t be nervous. Unless the body has just been
found and everyone is going completely bonkers, then you should follow suit.
9. Stick to your routine. Don’t
suddenly go rushing off home when you would normally chat with the pretty blonde
at the reception, trying to get her number yet again. If you’re driving, keep
your mind on the road. There is no point in crashing now you have just made
your life that much better. A few lessons of mindfulness should help with this
issue.
10. Remember that some jobs come with
easy colleague disposal facilities. If you are an archaeologist, there is no
reason why you should still be tolerating annoying colleagues. You have the
tools at your disposal, you have the solitary setting in a misty field, and
you’ve already dug the grave. Your colleague merely ‘went for a pee’ and
mysteriously ‘disappeared into the fog’.
