‘Right, ladies,’ Fairy Godmother said, ‘we’ve got
another rescue mission. Who’s game?’
‘I’m going on a date with Wolf,’ Little Red Riding
Hood said, pouting. ‘I’m not going to stand him up – you know he’s got a
temper,’ she winked at Snow White.
‘Err…’ Snow White started to say.
‘I’ve got too much cleaning to do to deal with a
whining wimp,’ Cinderella objected. ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll take my leave.’
And off she went, out of the castle door without once looking back.
‘I’m heading in the same direction,’ Red said in
her hoarse voice, pointing after Cinderella. ‘Lovely to see you.’ She bobbed –
that skirt was very short, Snow White
contemplated - and left.
Fairy Godmother looked up from the letter she was
holding and blinked sternly at Snow White over the top of her glasses.
‘Wonderful that you volunteered, darling. Now – Prince Charming was trying to
get to Briar Rose but got entangled in the brambles, as one would expect.
Please help him out and I’ll pop round some time to erase his memory – you know
what men’s hurt ego’s are like.’ She flashed Snow White an insincere smile that
signalled that their conversation was over.
‘Actually,’ Snow White ventured to say, ‘this is my
first time…’
‘Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something. Off you
go!’ Fairy Godmother waved her away.
Dejectedly, Snow White set out for Briar Rose’s
castle. Briar had never invited her to a sleepover, Snow White mused. Nor for
dinner or even a birthday party. She would no doubt just be lounging around in
her room while Prince Charming was howling outside. Why couldn’t she get up off her fat arse and sort him
out?
‘Hello gorgeous,’ Wolf said as he stepped out from
behind a tree. ‘If you weren’t looking so down, I’d eat you right now.’ He
licked his lips in a meaningful manner.
Yuk, Snow White thought to herself, I don’t know
what she sees in him. But to Wolf she said, ‘Red was looking for you just now.
She said you two would be going on a date.’
‘Oh!’ Wolf straightened up and unconsciously
started patting down his fur. ‘Is she around?’
Snow White thought he actually looked worried. Red
had a reputation for being extremely jealous – some rumoured that she had made
her ex-boyfriend, the woodsman, “disappear”.
‘She should be. Have a nice evening.’ Snow White
smiled at Wolf, but he was no longer looking at her. Instead, he had pricked up
his ears and was scanning the bushes.
Snow White carried on. In the next village, a crowd
had gathered around three pigs, who were screaming as though they were being
murdered.
‘What’s going on?’ Snow White asked a lady in the
crowd.
‘Wolf blew their house down – again. Their
insurance is refusing to pay up as the pigs knew full well that it would happen
again.’
Snow White considered this. If the pigs received no
compensation, they would end up homeless.
‘They should take it to court and accuse the
insurance of racism. After all, they haven’t refused to compensate anyone else,
have they?’
The woman’s face brightened. ‘Indeed! I will tell
them!’ And with that, she disappeared into the crowd.
Feeling a little better already, Snow White carried
on, past the bridge and over the hill. Once over the top, Briar Rose’s castle
lay in full view. She ran down, screaming with delight as she did so.
She ran up to the castle gates, where she heard the
pitiful cries of Prince Charming. She walked along the brambles until she saw
him. He hadn’t gotten far, as he was sticking half out of and half in the
brambles.
‘Snow! How wonderful to see you,’ Charming
exclaimed as she moved into view. He gave her a half-hearted wave with his
free, unentangled, hand. ‘Please don’t read anything into this. I was just
stopping by for a friendly chat.’ He smiled at her sheepishly.
‘Sure you were.’ Snow White crossed her arms and
pouted. Charming’s fidelity was a long-standing issue.
‘I’ll make it up to you, promise. How about a nice
diamond coffin instead of your glass one, eh? You know I could talk to the
dwarves, make it happen-‘
She placed a finger on his lips. ‘Say no more.’
Charming obligingly shut up and watched her
anxiously. Snow White stepped back, cleared her throat, and started to sing.
Instantly, the birds nearby joined in. She lured them closer with her song,
enticing them to take a look at the brambles – oh look, there was Charming! –
and would they mind awfully removing him?
All the birds took a piece of Charming’s battered
tunic in their beaks and gently extracted him from the hedge. They lowered him
in front of her and Snow White sent the birds back about their business.
‘Gee, thanks, Whitey,’ Charming said as she stopped
singing. ‘We should do this more often – that was way more pleasant than being
extracted by Cinderalla’s mouse men.’
Snow White placed her hands on her hips and shot
him a thunderous glare.
